What Didn't Work

Because I've had it up to my chin with Rebecca, and especially Maya and Jonah, lately, I decided a trip to Papallacta would be the best way to be done with them. Then I could make off with what remains of our meager savings and disappear north into Mexico.

Disguising the trip as a "family vacation" I made sure that we got to the bus station on Sunday morning for the couple hour ride to Papallacta. I purchased the first row of seats in the bus with the fair expectation that we would be crushed to death by oncoming traffic when our driver tried to pass another bus on a curve, on a very steep uphill, going about one mile per hour. But this didn't work. The ribbon of pavement (and sometimes dirt) that traversed this portion of the paramo didn't have anything coming in the other direction except the wind.

Instead, we got to enjoy two hours of blood and guts as "Heroes Shed No Tears", one of the early movies that earned John Woo the right to dazzle American audiences with such classics as "Face/Off" and "Mission Impossible 2", aired at full volume. Five plus years of sheltering Maya from the senseless sex and violence of the American media blown up with one bamboo structure teeming with "bad guys" in Vietnam.

When we finally arrived in Papallacta, a one-dirt-road town, 400 meters above and to the east of Quito, famous for its reservoirs (it supplies the drinking water to Quito) and thermal baths, we drove right through it without stopping. That surprised me, but I worked it to my advantage. I had the bus drop us off east of "town", hoping that something dastardly would happen as we hiked the kilometer or so back up the mountain. It didn't work.

Instead, we got bounced around in the back of this pickup truck/taxi, (but nobody got bounced out) on the way to our hotel.


No problem. I made sure the hotel we stayed at, "Pampas de Papallacta", came equipped with three thermal pools. All along, my fall-back plan had been to turn the three into living prunes. Then, I could sell their clothes for a few pennies and vanish into the jungle.

However, four straight hours of soaking in the pools was still a few hours too few. And, to make matters worse, everyone had fun!


I still had a few tricks up my sleeve. But my plan to starve them by feeding them only crackers and chicken soup didn't work either.


I made a quick call to "Stealth Is Us" to provide some cover while I slipped away into the mist. And this fog provided some real nice cover - for the mountain a hundred yards from the hotel. I understand a bull was able to dash its way to freedom.


After the fog didn't work, I placed my hope in fire. I had made sure to reserve a room with a fireplace. However, before striking the fateful match, I decided that since I would be sleeping in the same room, and there were a group of young locals partying in the room next door until the wee hours, burning the place down would take too many innocent lives. So, instead, we cozied up under the covers with a nice, warm fire smoldering nearby. It was kind of nice, actually.


But not nice enough to change my mind. This morning, after a few more hours in the pools resulted in prune-like tendencies, but no actual-fruit results, we managed to hitch a ride back to Quito with a tour of high-school age Londoners. In my chat with their chaperon, I learned that it was a class of biology students. After picking his puny little brain, I learned that they had practiced some pretty interesting experiments while among the ants and other creepy bugs that call the jungle their home. Some experiments that, with just the right twist, are guaranteed to bring results.

For our planned "family vacation" to the jungle in August, I'm going to be packing a little something extra to make sure a few certain somebodies have the sweetest of sweet dreams. A little sugar in your bed anyone?